Dear Spero,
I've been haunted by my own thoughts the past few days. To come to some kind of peace with myself, I've started this blog to spew out my thoughts. They seem so trapped in my head.
You made the decision to keep your surgery a secret from me. Although you've somehow convinced yourself that this was a decision years in the making, I find it difficult to believe. I find it to be a complete lie to yourself to justify your actions, rather than come to terms and admit the truth. Did you think about the repercussions of your actions? Did you contemplate the possible changes in your relationships with your friends? Did you weigh the negative consequences and dangers? Did you consider me at all?
It's obvious that you knew I wouldn't support your decision. Otherwise, there would be no reason not to tell me. Likewise, you had to have known that our relationship would not grow closer from this. Thus, I have no option but to believe you did this purposely to further separate yourself from me. I cannot understand why. But at the same time, maybe I can.
As you know, this is not the first time that you kept an important decision a secret from me. It's truly heartbreaking every time. It makes me angry. It makes me yell. It makes me curse. It makes me hate you. Pretty much, it's a "Fuck you. I'm going to do whatever I want." Then, you endure a few hours of my wrath and tears from mom, and call it a day. You were able to do what you wanted, with nominal consequences. Easy, right?
I've decided, that this is the last of it. I don't want to be hurt by you anymore. You've never addressed your qualms with me in a manner of anything close to a conversation. While I tell myself that I don't understand why you choose to cause such grief, I know in the back of my head that it's due to your own mental issues which you have yet to address. Unfortunately, I'm at a loss as to how I'm supposed to deal with that. For now, I only know what's placed in front of me. You betrayed me. You purposely betrayed me.... and you did it to alienate yourself from me in order to potentially live a more happy life.
I'm going to make that a reality for you. I've always felt like the evil stepsister. My personality is strong. I like to speak my mind and be straightforward with my thoughts. I rarely hesitate to say something is not right. This could be the reason why I have such few friends. In today's society, I feel like so many people have been hypersensitive to the opinion's of others. It's a contradiction to what I believe society is actually trying to achieve. Constantly trying to avoid "hurting someone's feelings" or saying something which is not politically correct is tiring and futile to mental and emotional growth. Not everyone wants to hear it. People don't like it.
It is utterly frustrating to ever have a fruitful conversation with you. For some reason, you expect me to share my thoughts, experiences, and time with you... yet you never even tell me important things in your life. You always make me the bad guy. Once, you told me that I don't ever support your actions. I can't support it, or fake support it, if I don't agree with it. If I were to fake support it, it would defeat the essence of being sisters. I only do that if absolutely necessary, and with people who I'm just acquainted with, because circumstances require it. You would think that you would appreciate my honesty. Rather, you make me into the mean and discouraging older sister who always turns your decisions into something negative. That's so offensive. How can you think that that's my intention? I hope one day, you'll realize the bigger picture.
Love Always,
Your Older Sister